How to do brain surgery
The Wizard of Oz showed us that a diploma is very analogous to a brain. Find your High School diploma. Very carefully, using an Exacto knife, a single edge razor blade or a scalpel, cut out all the vowels from your diploma. Even ‘Y’. Very often, the brain does not function due to a vowel obstruction.
How to massage your left elbow:
You will find it difficult to massage your left elbow with your left hand. You will be tempted to use your right hand. Don’t. Left elbows should only be massaged with the left hand. Ask a left-handed friend to massage it. If you do not have any left-handed friends or if they are unavailable, open the cabinet under your kitchen sink. There you will find an elbow-shaped pipe. Use your left hand to massage that pipe. You will create sympathetic vibrations between the sink pipe and your elbow. These vibrations will give you the full effect of a traditional massage. Repeat as needed.
The Murder victim
To be done on the sidewalk. Lay on your back with your arms and legs akimbo. Have a friend trace around your body with a piece of chalk.
Facing the street, lean against a vertical surface such as a light post, sign, bus stop kiosk or the side of a building. Your left or right upper arm should be maintaining contact with the vertical surface.
The Despondent Person
Sit on a chair, bench or curb if it is safe to do so. Place your elbows on your knees. Bury your face in your hands. Think about all your failures. Cry.
The Pup Petter
Squat. Move your hands like you are petting a dog. Say encouraging things to the imaginary dog. “Good boy! Aren’t you cute!” If an actual dog appears while you are doing this, continue to pet and praise the invisible dog. Don’t make eye contact with either the real dog or its owners.